I had another reading today. I went in fully expecting to get a reading from Rainy, planning on it even. I knew she had a new reader in the store today and had read her bio but I really didn’t have any interest in ‘trying out’ someone new. I like Rainy and she has been accurate so I figured I would stick with what has been working for me.

I went in and found that a few people I knew were in the store, which is not unusual seeing as how I have come across all sorts of different people in my work these last few years, becoming friendly with many. Sometimes I know the split second before I enter somewhere that there are people I know and feel comfortable with, I can just feel it. When I happen to be somewhere and I’m early or around a group of people I don’t feel comfortable with I will usually get butterflies in my stomach before I even see who is there.

This time I felt oddly comforted. It wasn’t just that there were people I knew there but something else, almost like I knew my best friend was going to come out of a room at any moment. But it wasn’t that situation and there are *very* few people I feel that comfortable around so it was making me very curious. Before putting my name down for a reading I kind of hung back and felt out the energy, trying to figure out where it was coming from and what it was all about.

I noticed a woman coming around the corner to take someone back for a reading and I realized that the energy was coming from her. I couldn’t explain it but I put my name down for a reading with her instead of Rainy. It was a split second decision that I couldn’t explain. I feel like I know her or have met her at some point. It’s difficult for me to discern who I feel a connection with and who I have actually met because I have met so many people who have touched me in one way or another. I can’t explain how I know her or from where, but I know her. There’s something about her energy that is comforting and….familiar.

The reading was wonderful and provided insights to lingering questions that I have had. I’m very excited about the messages I have been given and still believe in the big changes in store for me.

There’s always a post in progress. There’s always something hastily scrawled in a notebook, napkin, receipt that I don’t want to forget because it’s witty or thought provoking. Somehow, unknown to me at this time, those things never end up here. I have a minute where I have something really important to say but it’s at an inopportune moment such as the car or shower, no writing utensils handy. I catch what I can and cat scratch something somewhere, anywhere, to remind me to continue when it’s more convenient and I have ‘enough time.’ When will I ever have enough time? Will I ever have enough time? Truth be told, sometimes these little snippets seem so life changing right at that moment but are later reduced to ideas and opinions having no merit.

I’ve taken the easy road these last few months. I understood that I really need to stop letting my powers of logic and empathy/compassion interfere with my actual beliefs. Sometimes I see so much of both sides that it becomes hard for me to voice an opinion, even to myself. I keep thinking of that old country song, “You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.”

Having spent a lot of my time giving solicited opinions, only to have them rejected, has really put a damper on my wanting to have opinions at all. It wasn’t always this way. We never had debate clubs in high school so I always dreamed of going away to college just for the chance to be on a debate team. Of course, I was the one who had a fake ID for the intention of voting or getting into bars just to hear the bands. Yup, really. My teenage priorities were all screwed up. But the alcohol and drugs I could get anyway, it was the other stuff I couldn’t do. I digress….

I have opinions, sure. Sometimes. When I really stop and think about something, I realize where I stand. I’ve just grown into a huge pushover not wanting to cause a commotion. Sometimes even here.

For the last couple of weeks I haven’t even been seriously working on advancing my spiritual practices. I have a lot to say and feel a lot more but it just seems like so much right now. I have hit a brick wall where I have to ‘get’ more of myself before I can bust through and that is pretty overwhelming. I don’t always feel like I’m in a safe place for that. I know that huge changes are just over the horizon but I worry how this will effect my relationships with people.

I’m not going to come out of this slump the same but who will be left standing next to me?

It always works this way. I head out shopping for a couple of things in particular and I end up in places that I had no intention of going, buying things that I had no intention of buying. But apparently I needed to be where I ended up and it always leaves me feeling like I accomplished something. Even when I really don’t feel like I did.

I ended up at a little place I hadn’t been to in over a year. This was Rainy’s Mystics. I visited with Rainy and Nina for a little over an hour, catching up and asking questions. See, Rainy is a medium. A spirit communicator. A reader. A mystic. She gave me a free reading once and it was a lot of information and she had only met me once before. She wasn’t vague, like I assumed she would be. She was very precise and on the money about a lot of things. I didn’t give confirmation of anything until the reading was over and we discussed it a bit. Things she said were very specific and, although I wasn’t immediately impressed, I was intrigued.

She has this little box which holds tiny stones. You pick one of the tiny stones and give it to her, or another reader, and you will get a little mini reading. The first one I chose a long time ago seemed really important at the time but I didn’t write it down and of course, I forgot. Today I picked another one and Nina read it. She was really excited about this one and I thought i would write it down to see what, if anything, became of it.

She said that there was a lot of energy that had transferred to the stone from me. I did hold onto it while talking for about 10 minutes before I gave it to her. Anyway, she got a huge smile on her face and said that it was really good energy. She said that I’ve been stagnant for a year or so but I was getting ready to unleash a whole bunch of energy and ‘blossom’ really quickly. She saw a transformation that would be immediate, not taking place over a period of time, but something that would jar my consciousness into overdrive and I would never be the same. Something cataclysmic, changing me forever, but in a really good way. She said that I would finally find the place where I belonged and would feel like I was ‘coming home.’ This is supposed to happen around May of 2006.

I have never had a major conversation with Nina before today and I have never had any conversations, on a personal level, with her or Rainy. But it was dead on about how I have been feeling the last year and a half so I’m very interested in seeing what transpires over the next few months.

She’s also starting classes in February on mediumship and I would really love to attend. Maybe I will be able to do what she does, maybe not. But I know that I will learn *something.* The goal of the class in to introduce the methods and practices to strengthen your connection to Spirit and learn how to communicate and control the communication. Maybe that will be something good for me. Maybe that’s what my empathic abilities have been preparing me for. Maybe that’s why I allowed them to appear after all those years of being dormant and blocking them away. But then again, maybe not. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Today I’m heading down that long road of discovery. I must keep reminding myself that the end result is not what is important, but the journey of self-discovery, with those tiny lightbulbs that will inevitably shine on occasion, is what I need.

I’ve struggled with a vague understanding for so many years and now I’m yearning for more. I know what feels true but I need to get back to my early years of questioning and digging for thorough understanding. I’ve strayed from what is and have spent too long going through the motions, grasping at the tiny kernels of knowledge that appear far too infrequently for my liking.

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