Having grown up partly in Michigan and partly in Arkansas, I have spent my share of time at lakes and ponds. Some of them were really nice like Silver Lake. Some of them not so nice, like Goldenrod. Whatever the case, the fascination with water was the same, as it is, I believe, for a lot of people.

The water holds a lot of memories for me, good and bad. I remember begging and begging for days on end to go but was always told no. I remember heading out finally and being so excited that I was ready hours before we left to actually get there when the park opened at noon. I remember floating with my ears just below the water level so that I could pretend I was the only one left in the world and soaring through the clouds. I remember the icky, slimy green and brown things which threatened to tangle my ankles and pull me under when I went too far out. I remember the scary-excited feeling that brought.

But that’s neither here nor there for this post, I suppose. I’ve been doing a significant amount of work on myself the last couple of months and have finally started being able to put out coherent ideas and thoughts. I’m not all better or together but I’m starting to articulate better, which is a relief because I really do have great ideas and thoughts that are worth sharing.

It is now that I want to talk about comparisons and metaphors. Both of these are good when you are comparing apples to apples and oranges to oranges. They don’t compute , however, when comparing apples to oranges. When comparing like items or ideas, metaphors come in handy. An apple is an apple is an apple. They both have the same characteristics and both are, for the most part, just like the other.

When comparing apples and oranges, although there are more characteristics, you have to stop comparing the similarities after saying they both are fruit, have seeds and skin, etc. They are not carbon copies, although maybe similar in makeup and characteristics.

I freely admit that I don’t know everything, but after having been on this path for the last 19 years I’m going to give it a shot at explaining how I have seen/felt things work.

It is not enough to compare the responsibility of the ripples in the pond caused by our rock to the responsibilities of our actions in life. They are not the same. They are apples and oranges. These are objects who do not have free will being manipulated by a sentient being who does.

I remember being at a lake or pond in Flint and feeding bread to the carp. That first crumb of bread dropped onto the surface of the water made all kinds of ripples of which I was clearly responsible for. Have you ever fed the fish like that? What happens, do you remember? Especially with carp and bluegill, once they notice that food they all crowd around waiting for more. Sometimes they even end up half out of the water like they are begging for more!

What I notice now is that the fish, having a will of their own, have made their own ripples which are suddenly bumping into and confusing my ripples from the bread. Now, it can easily be said that it is still my responsibility because I caused the fish to come out of the water by putting the bread down. But did I really? I’ve spent many years watching various fish jumping out of the water for various reasons. It is possible that they would have ended up at that spot, making ripples of their own, had I not put the bread in the water.

But again, that is really apples and oranges, IMHO. In practicing witchcraft, whatever the tradition or training, I have my own perceptions of how things work. I’m not pulling this out of my ass and hoping it makes sense. In dealing with witchcraft, at least where other people are concerned, the waters are murky. It’s not so black and white when you have two sentient beings who have free will. Their ripples undoubtedly bump into mine and mine into theirs. But we have the semi-unique ability to make an educated choice about how we will react to our situations and surroundings.

Admittedly, I will not always do this in a positive manner, choosing to react instead of act. This is a problem of mine that I am working on. But that is my responsibility. If someone calls me a bitch, I have a choice. If someone comes up to me and hits me, I have a choice. If someone comes up to hug me, I have a choice. It is always my responsibility to act in a manner that is in line with my code of ethics and morals. It is never anyone’s fault but mine.

In dealing with people who have the ability to make educated and informed choices, the responsibility only goes so far. Then their ripples start bumping up against mine, changing the look of the whole damned thing.

There are so many things I could write about tonight, especially after being MIA for the last couple of months where this site is concerned. I’m sure I’ll get around to explaining that but that is for another time.

Right now I want to talk about something I encountered this evening which was very thought provoking and made me realize just how far outside I really am. Tonight I went to a local (i.e. North County) meetup, which I never go to anymore because of reasons that would take a whole post to explain. For you, dear reader, I’ll defer that post to another more appropriate time.

I was there talking with a friend for a little over an hour before anyone else arrived but when they did….they came in a drove. It had been so long since I had been to one of these things that I didn’t think to guard myself and was unprepared for the rush of crap that inevitably comes with these types of situations. People came and it was a whole 30 seconds before I started shaking uncontrollably and started with the migraine. Took about half an hour, easy, before I was able to get myself under control again. I’m not used to having to censor myself anymore and actually protect my vitality from those around me. My bad.

Towards the end of the evening, a new woman brought up a situation occuring with her daughter in school about other people being curious about her being a witch and whatnot. How easily that title is thrown around these days….but again, that’s for another time.

I was confused in the beginning but then I realized that this woman is among the oh-so-many people I’ve met who equate witchraft with wicca and so she was asking how her daughter should handle the curiosity of her schoolmates who think that she can put spells on people and make brooms fly.

Without offering anything I believe, I simply asked questions about why they believe that people *cannot* make brooms ‘fly.’ Why can’t people ‘orb’ like she so quaintly put it? Charmed has done wonders for the pagan community. /sigh

But seriously, here’s my point… Pagans will talk down to people who say that they can do these mystical things. They make jokes about, “Well, if you can do it then why aren’t you sharing the secrets because I want to fly to Hawaii…(insert more idiot comments here)”

My questions were simple. Who’s to say that these people can’t make brooms fly? Who’s to say that these people cannot ‘orb?’ Who’s to say that these things are impossible simply because *you* haven’t seen them? Of course, no one wants to have an intelligent discussion about it. They just want to dismiss it and laugh about it and believe that they know so much more than the naive young ‘uns at the dinner table. You say you want to know the physics behind it? Quantum physics is opening new doors every day. Maybe if you stopped talking for a milisecond, you would dare to step through.

‘Broom flying’ is nothing more than simple levitation. Right? Telekinesis, right? When you talk about flying on your broom it sounds like you’re an idiot. When you talk about levitation, backed up by cutting edge quantum physics now commonplace in laboratories across the world, it becomes more palatable. Broom flying is possible when you see it in that light. Levitation is not only possible but can, and has, been done. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I don’t make claims to be able to do it ‘on demand’ like a circus monkey or even to be able to do it on purpose, or well for that matter. But I have done it and I know I am not the only one. Miss P saw me do it on the counter of the store. She’ll tell you all about it, I’m sure. But when I saw that she knew what I was doing, the paper fell over and I wasn’t able to do it again. Doesn’t change the fact that it is possible and I did it. If I can do it, I’m sure there are, at the very least, dozens of others who can do it and do it well. In middle school I was able to do things a lot better, but I think we all have more ‘whatever’ then than we do when we grow up and allow our minds and logic interfere. I’m not claiming it to be magical, it is probably static electricity or something akin.

Anyway….

There are large handfuls of people who have made a difference in how pagans, witches and wiccans are viewed in general society. We are becoming more accepted, or at the very least tolerated. But in this quest for acceptance and recognition those people have not given anything of value to the newcomers. They have fought so hard for the world to accept a *religion* that they have forgotten the magick that we all have at our disposal should we choose to open our minds and realize our forgotten powers.

For most, there is religion here. But precious few remember the magick, the knowledge that all is possible should we simply choose to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is!

You said earlier that I am the exception to every rule and in my heart I know that. Try as I might to be ‘normal’ and just like the other pagans and witches…..I know that I am different. I know that the magick is there.

Last night I had a very intense dream that I was doing magick for Cerridwen. WTF? Of course, I have heard the name but all I know about her is that she is a Celtic Goddess and had something to do with knowledge. So I’ll just write about my dream and anyone with input, feel free to post a comment.

It was very short, but I get the distinct feeling that there was more to it than I remember. I know that I had entered a cave and saw a woman, with her back to me, standing in front of a large cauldron with her arm straight out from her sides, like she was raising energy or something. I know I was learning something but I can’t remember what it was. There’s a possibility that it was some sort of divination, maybe scrying with the cauldron? Not very clear, but she was not any taller than I was, she was wearing a black cloak and had wavy, shiny chestnut hair about halfway down her back. I just knew that it was Cerridwen without seeing her face, but even if I had I wouldn’t have recognized her anyway because I know nothing about this woman. I remember feeling a huge surge of energy starting in the center of my chest and burning blue from there to the rest of my body. She started to turn around and I knew she was smiling but then I woke up. I couldn’t sleep for awhile because I felt like I had just consumed pure caffeine so I came downstairs and organized my office. Finally went back to sleep and nothing else continued, that I remember.

I know that Carrie Bear has Cerridwen on her altar, at least I think I remember that, so I’m hoping for some more input? Maybe? I mean, seriously. Why am I dreaming about a Goddess that I have no affinity for? Is this her time of year? Is she transformation? Is she Crone? Why is she coming to me? Why now? So many questions!

The last month has graced me with several opportunities to really examine what I believe and why. My beliefs haven’t changed but my understanding of them has in some ways. I know what I believe. I know why I believe the way that I do. No issues there. But getting down to the nitty gritty and having them challenged, I’ve learned that I’m not as flaky as I used to be.

One of my greatest traits is, not only the ability to truly see another person’s point of view, but the ability to understand. One of my greatest flaws is, not only the ability to truly see another person’s point of view, but the ability to understand. Huh? How do I figure that? Well, it goes like this….I believe xyz. You believe abc. Ahh…I can see where you’re coming from! Yes, looking at it that way, it does make sense! Okay, you makes sense and I make sense but where exactly do I stand on the issue? No opinion? That’s okay, less drama and conflict. As a parent, I would want to know if my child was wanting an abortion. But as a woman who had an abortion, I understand the predicament. As a female growing up in an extremely dysfunctional household I wouldn’t have felt comfortable or safe telling my parents I wanted an abortion. So which way would I vote? Hmmm….Can’t make the decision because I can see both sides.

See the problem?

But now things are becoming clearer and my opinions well defined. Up comes the conversation of power over another person through magick. Do I believe I *can* have power over another? Yes. Would I? Of course not. Do I believe I can effectively curse someone who doesn’t believe in curses? No. But what about that loophole of ‘bad luck?’ Yes. If the person is open to the idea of bad luck, all I need to do is word my curse a little differently. Yes, that is what I believe. Would I do that? Of course not. I’m just not that type of person. I have bound a person who didn’t believe in magick and it worked. It was just worded it a little differently so that it would effect them in a way they were open to.

Witches believe that they can cause change according to their will/intent. I don’t believe that is limited to working magick on myself.

When was the exact moment the damage started? Was it when we ‘discovered’ fire? How about when we decided to look for more way to express ourselves, such as in bronze, oils, gold? When we decided we knew what was best and created gasoline guzzling vehicles, hormones for cattle or nuclear ‘energy?’

As women, our bodies take care of themselves provided we listen to the cues and pay attention to what they actually need instead of what our minds and hearts want. The cleansing of our bodies goes in cycles. We are born with a certain number of eggs and eventually that supply runs out, signaling the onset of menopause. It’s all downhill from there.

The Mother has ways of taking care of herself. Her cleansing runs in cycles, as well. She has certain limitations, things run out and she is worn down. It’s all downhill from there.

I have to stop and laugh when I see messages on the various Yahoo groups about weather magick. In one group we were ‘invited’ to take part in a rain dance on a certain day at a certain time. You know, to focus energies and direct them for a purpose. The land is parched and we are all suffering in one way or another because of the heat and lack of rain and moisture. Yes, we want rain. Sometimes we get to the point where our very lives depend on it! Given how so very ‘enlightened’ witches are supposed to be, you’d think that we would trust the Mother to take care of herself. But we all think we know so much more than Her. We know what the earth needs, we know what will make things all better, if only this….if only that…. Will we never learn?

Go ahead, work your magick and bring rain to our cities. But don’t come bitching to me when your house is falling off your little hill because of mudslides. But wait, isn’t there a spell for that, too?

A very happy Beltane to everyone! Hope you all are making like bunnies. If not, there’s still time to celebrate!

I went to a Beltane celebration on Saturday and Sunday. I am all celebrated out. Stick a fork in me, I am SO done. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good party and gatherings in the park are especially wonderful when there’s nice weather. I do like to socialize, I just don’t like the pressure that goes with it. There’s the whole being nice thing. While I like to think I’m a decent person, there are sometimes when I just want to hide in my shell and enjoy things from a distance. Sometimes I don’t want to go around and be friendly, I just want to stay in my comfort zone. But a wise penguin once told me, “Smile and nod boys, smile and nod.”

Sometimes events seem to be full of cliques. Okay, reality check. Sometimes events *are* full of cliques. The Saturday event was no exception and I’m sure our event in September will be the same. Do I like it? No! I think it’s a crappy way to spend a holiday celebration and I slap myself on the hand for wanting to stay in my comfort zone. I want to devise a plan that will cause everyone to mingle, or at least sit near each other. I want to pull everyone out of their comfort zone and force them to have a 5 minute conversation with 10 people they don’t already know. Just 5 minutes! Things need to move beyond the, ‘Hi, it’s nice to meet you now I’m going to walk away’ thing.

Then there’s the whole thinning veil thing, which is very cool. I read for a handful of people this weekend and one reading was extra spectacular. I was able to give some information about a possible situation and I actually described the building that was being considered. That was something new for me. I can usually get the information out there but it’s kind of like opening up my mouth and just having it come out. More than half the time I have no idea of what I’m saying until it comes out. When we’re talking to someone and having a ‘normal’ conversation, you can almost see the words forming in your head before you say them. Well, at least that’s what happens to me. But when I’m giving a reading I have absolutely no idea of what’s getting ready to be said. Sometimes I just ‘know’ something and I can figure out a way to make it sound right, ethically speaking. But most of the time it just comes out, like I’m a vehicle or vessel or something. Weird.

I was having a conversation with a guy and I mentioned that I didn’t know why the readings were coming so easily now, without having to use my cards. He said that it was Beltain and I am so open. Of course, him being who he is, I figured he was being a pervert. Then it dawned on me….’Duh!’ It IS Beltane. The veil is thin right now and I am receiving easily because of that. I know this but I wasn’t able to make that connection and apply it to my situations.

I’m really progressing now as I start to use this gift more often. I’m starting to scare people. Now we’re talking!

How can I sum up the weekend in a few short words, or even paragraphs? Sometimes I feel as though there aren’t enough words in my current vocabulary to express the things I am feeling and going through. There are so many things I want to say and I either can’t find words that seem descriptive enough or it just doesn’t seem like the right time to express it verbally.

When I grow, I do serious growing and it happens quickly. It may take me months or even years to ‘get’ something but once I do, look out! Things have taken on a life of their own and I am assimilating the knowledge very quickly. Sometimes I get the feeling like people think I should slow down or that I’m not getting things in a time frame that’s comfortable for them. Here’s the thing….my growth is not about anyone else’s time tables. Sometimes I feel like I should apologize for growing so quickly at times but then I think that’s ridiculous. I cannot control how quickly I understand and sometimes those around me forget that I just spent over a year just figuring out where to go! My growth is what it is and I cannot apologize for the little sparks of enlightenment that I receive because, although it seems like I soak up a lot at one time, it can take me awhile to get to that point. I don’t learn things steadily, I learn a bunch at once and then I have a ‘dry spell’ and start over with something else. This is one of those times of clarity and my brain is like a sponge.

I spent the last couple of days around someone who makes my heart sing. There are times when I simply long to be around them just to see them smile and feel my heart flutter. They are one of those people that you can sit next to in comfortable silence, not feeling the need to talk but yet have so much to say. You know someone like that? Someone who just gets you? Someone you could just hold for hours and never want to let go. Except you try very hard for so long to not invade their space, to not make them feel uncomfortable, to not shatter that fragile connection that you hold so dear. /sigh

Today I was able to do some readings for people I didn’t know out at Harmony Grove. I’ve noticed that it’s a lot easier to give messages to people I don’t know because I don’t question what I receive. I don’t have to find a way to apply it to what I know of their situation. It’s a bit difficult for me to stay at a distance and stay objective if the reading is for myself or someone I know. My brain takes over and wants to apply the information as *I* see it and that’s not appropriate, nor accurate. I am a conduit and need to just give what I get and leave it with them, taking nothing with me and certainly not analyzing when it isn’t my place. They are with me because they need to hear the information in the way I deliver the message. Trying to apply it to what I know doesn’t make the information more valid. It is what it is and it is always valid if it is coming from Spirit. It will always be what they need to know, maybe not what they want but certainly what they need. Validation is nice right now. It was keeping me motivated coming from a place of skepticism. Today I realized that I no longer need validation. I continue to need reassurance that I’m doing things the way I should be but validation has gone out of the window. It was so nice to receive that kind of feedback today because that was my final test for myself. I can do this. Wow! I’m reading that again. Yes, I can do this. Why? Because Spirit has chosen to work through me and I have chosen to allow it to happen. I’m no longer focused on me because it’s SO not about me. What a revelation and what a load off of my shoulders! It’s about the people who sit across from me and the message I have been chosen to deliver. No more and no less.

Those are the lessons I learned this weekend. Not exactly what I wanted to learn but what I needed to learn. There definitely is a difference.

I’m unavailable all weekend. Yep. ALL WEEKEND. I can’t remember the last time I was unavailable. It feels really good to not have to deal with the mundane things for a few days.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be starting Harmony Grove’s Spring Institute. I’m taking a class on meditation and on Sunday I will have the opportunity to practice giving readings. I’m really looking forward to this.

I feel like I’m becoming a Spirit junkie. I’m just wallowing in Spirit like pig in the mud and I like it. I’ve learned to have that connection but apply filters to keep out the stuff I don’t need to feel or know. I know I’m not going to go up to Joe Schmoe on the street and give him my impressions and messages so I’m learning to filter them out and not receive them at all. It just feels like intruding into someone’s personal space when I don’t and that’s just not right. Getting messages is good but if it’s not something I need to know personally then it’s polite to not receive them at all.

I kinda feel like I wouldn’t get the message at all if it wasn’t something I needed to know for some reason or another. The whole Law of Interference thing feels kind of funky. At the same time, I realize that it’s not just about me getting messages. I’m tuning into a frequency that has a lot of chit chat and sometimes I’m basically overhearing things that aren’t necessarily being given so much as being discussed amongst the spirits. Does that sound strange? Sometimes it’s like eavesdropping and that’s how I know that it’s not being given. It’s a different feeling when it’s being given than when I’m just tuning in.

I’m really looking forward to the meditation class. I like to meditate. It’s very calming and I’ve gotten to where I can do it for an extended period of time. But then again, it’s like the story from The Four Agreements between the Master and the student. I don’t need to meditate for hours to reach the point I like to be at. Too much makes me feel kind of spaced out but just the right amount makes me relaxed and capable of coping.

I used to feel like I was so disconnected and so confused. Now, I’m beginning to realize that the confusion wasn’t from feeling disconnected but from being way *too* connected. My body can’t handle that constant feeling and if it could, what point would there be in death? We would just be able to stay human forever instead of our true selves.
I’m channelling a lot of information regarding fear, specifically fear of coming into my own abilities. I don’t work at this stuff a lot because it seems to come so easily. What would happen if I did work at it? I would be really good and I wasn’t in a position to really handle that for a long time. Now I’m growing and my muscles are strengthening and I can handle more of the weight.

I also need some time to receive some messages for myself. There is an issue that I’m struggling with because being true to myself would really make me feel like an ass to some of my friends. How can you say that you don’t want something, change your mind and tell them you do and then change your mind again when you realize you’ve made a horrible mistake? I mean, I recognize that I am only human but this was a rash decision that a child would make. For crying out loud, I’m 30 years old! You’d think I would be past these rash decisions. At least they are few and far between now.

I feel like I was misled about something in particular but I also understand that I allowed it to happen. I thought I could compromise what was really important to me to get something that inside I don’t want or place any value on. It’s really hard to find out that I’ve made the wrong choice and now I don’t know how to get out of the situation without hurting feelings.

A little while ago i received a reading where I was told that it may be time to discard the friendships that are hindering my growth in order to bring in the stuff I really needed. Kind of like a spring cleaning, I guess. I am well aware that I have free will but I value my friendships, especially the two I would be leaving behind and I know there will be a rift if I follow my heart.
At what point do I spend my time on things that I don’t value to keep a friendship instead of really standing up to what is right for my true self? One of the things I really like about myself is that I have high morals and ethics about what I believe concerning my life. I try very hard to be true to those and maintain character and integrity because I am always an example to my children. I always teach them to be true to themselves no matter the cost because their sense of right will always be the correct path to follow, even when people do not believe in them. I always practice what I preach.

Why not now?

Finally, graduation is over. I tell you I was shaking in my boots!

The hubby and I were there way too early which gave me a lot of time to really be nervous. I did my reviewing on the way over. I didn’t know if things would come as easy as they usually do so I wanted to make sure that I was up on all of my tools. As an FYI, there are some tools that we can use to get messages. One way is by using chakras and working what we see into a message. I don’t see anything with my eyes, it’s more of a mental thing and most of the time I will get a physical sensation with a mental picture of a swirling disk with color and that’s how I know I’m relating to a chakra. Another tool is auras. I’m not using that at all because again, I never actually see anything. Well, I can’t say never because in my auras class I was able to see an aura for the first time ever. However, I have to really concentrate and it’s not something I can do at will yet, it’s more like something that kinda just pops out if I’m concentrating hard enough. It’s not something that I’m really comfortable with so I only try to do it for fun here at home. Another tool is a path. I can ask Spirit to show me the person’s path and there are certain meanings that go with what you see. Sometimes you’ll see a dry desert path, a lush green field, maybe a small hill close by or a huge mountain in the distance. All of these things, and more, have meanings and we can use those to relay a message.

I didn’t have to use any of them because the messages just started flowing as soon as I got into the room. I had to ground a bit more because I was getting things before I was supposed to. Then, when I was supposed to get them, things would just come rushing into my head and I had to breathe through them to make sense of just one to pass on.

The platform style messages (firing squad setup) were the most difficult even though I loved doing them in the last couple of classes. I could feel that there were one or two people who were really anxious in the room but mostly I could feel the love and excitement coming from everyone. The hubby was in the back and I could feel him sending me lots of love.

Afterwards we did the classic dark circle. Now that was a hoot! It was lots of fun and I felt Spirit very strongly. It was almost like those who had passed on were using this as an opportunity to come to our guests who stayed behind with us. There was a lot of energy and the feelings just started flowing. The second circle was very powerful and very healing, but very personal.

I am so grateful to those who came out to support me last night. It was overwhelming, especially when I didn’t expect anyone that I knew to be there. A special gift from a special lady brought tears to my eyes and created a very special moment. I haven’t taken it off. A side note, every time I go somewhere and R is there, I always get the feeling that he has something to say to me but he never says it. I don’t know what that is all about because we aren’t really friends in the classic sense of the word, although we see each other at different things and are friendly. There’s just this nagging feeling and I don’t know where it’s coming from.

All in all, it was a great night, nervous as I was, and I feel a sense of completion. But I feel like I still have so much more work to do with this. I’m really looking forward to the intermediate and advanced classes. Saving my pennies as we speak!

Boy, what a ride these last two weeks have been. It’s very interesting the way that things are turning out. I have opportunities opening to me that I never really considered. It’s really hard for me to acknowledge my capabilities and talents because I always know that there’s someone out there who is a helluva lot better at things than I am. I think I may be finding a way to recognize that I have contributions to make AND still be very open to growth and learning. Go figure.

A couple of weeks ago it was put out to me that a certain shop owner was looking for a teacher to come to her store and teach Wicca 101. She has had one session so far but the instructor left to persue other things and she really wanted to start it again because it was so popular. I told her that I would put it out there to see if anyone was interested.

In the meantime I had an idea, one that was really so unlike me! Why couldn’t *I* teach the class? I mean, it’s certainly not brain surgery and in the process I would be providing a service to the community and possibly changing some of the archaic ideas that have been perpetuated for years and years here. So, with a belly full of butterflies I called her up and asked her what she thought of the idea. I was so happy and surprised when she said yes!

Unfortunately, the comment was made to her that only those initiated 3rd degree could teach and she had to call me to ask some questions about that. Since she’s not Wiccan or very informed of the ways and traditions she wanted to ask if this was true. Of course, I gave her the traditionalist way of thinking along with my opinion, which happens to coincide with what I was taught when I was in a San Diego coven. Personally, I see degrees as a status symbol and am extremely frustrated that this way of thinking is still prevalent. As it happens, it may very well be a necessary evil in accomplishing my future goals. In the end it worked out and she’s still giving me the chance, which I am so grateful for. It really warms my heart to know that she has faith in me and is giving me this opportunity to prove myself.

So all in all, I have the blessing to attend a wonderful seminary, an opportunity to teach the public, a graduation showcasing what I have learned in mediumship, I’m getting my 1st degree initiation with possible second upon completion of teaching this class, my PPD scholarship proposal has been accepted and announced, my book is making great progress AND I have been invited to participate on Pagan Pride’s leadership panel this September.

Life is good!

Boy, have I. I really think I analyze way too much, or at least I used to. Every time I reach a new state of being I think of how much I’ve grown. Every time I have that ‘jolt’ or epiphany I think I’ve gotten it all figured out. Then I grow some more and it’s just so overwhelming sometimes.

A year ago I was really questioning my choice of study. Wicca felt right and it felt comfortable. Then….not so much. It felt restrictive and I felt like I was leaning away because things that I knew to be true weren’t really talked about as being important among my Wiccan friends and teachers. Lo and behold, it’s not that they’re not important but some things just aren’t talked about. Now I’m back to Wicca and it feels like I’ve come home. I can still believe what I know to be right and know it has it’s place no matter what path I follow.

I know it seems like such a no-brainer. Like I said, I analyze way too much. I really need to stop trying to confine things to their own little box so that I can have my thoughts ‘organized.’ It’s really done me wrong in the long run.

So now I’ve reached another jolt. Do I know everything yet? Hmmm…..didn’t think so.

On the brighter side, I have a lot of interesting things happening to me right now and I feel like I am just going to burst with happiness with my life. Peaceful. Content. Exciting. Loving. Just darn happy! It’s sick, isn’t it?

Boy, do I have Spirit on the brain a lot lately. It seems like I am becoming one of those people who lives around their spirituality. Yeah, I have everyday happenings but something always brings me back. It was so overwhelming a couple of years ago but now it just feels so right. I can only imagine that this is what a Christian feels like when they are called to ministry. Things are falling into place in a way that I never thought possible. I mean, I knew that things would work out the way they were supposed to but I never thought it would be in this way.

So many things are happening and I’m having entire days of clarity! It’s the most wonderful feeling when you understand your purpose and have the confidence to fulfill that purpose. I have been just going through the motions for the last 5 years, with small chunks of my life spent trying to find my way and now I feel like I’m on the right road. I can’t begin to explain how happy and content and excited I am. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to anyone and everyone who will listen.

I’ve always known that I have the ability to be in tune with the universe but it really scared me and I blocked it out for the longest time. The class I have been taking has really been an eye opener and has given me the tools to handle the higher awareness. And all I had to do was really listen.

I have started and stopped writing a certain book several times over the last 10 years for one reason or another. Sometimes I didn’t feel like I was qualified. Other times I thought, “Why in the world would anyone want to read something I’ve written?” “How can someone like me, who doesn’t even have a full high school education get published?” Life got in the way sometimes, too. Things would get scrapped or I would throw away my notes. A few months, or years, later I would feel the nudge and start all over again. I never got very far each time, I never progressed far enough to even have a few chapter outlines, just a notebook of jumbled thoughts and points to address.

A couple of days ago I felt the nudge again. Actually, it was during a meditation and I felt like I had no control over the thoughts pouring into my head. I had to write them down and I had to do it right then. I suddenly knew and understood things that I had no clue about 5 seconds before. I wrote so fast that I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to read what I had written. When I was finished I realized I had a complete outline for the book I had been trying to write for so long. I couldn’t believe it. I’m making more notes each day and each time it feels like these wonderful thoughts aren’t my own, because they come so fast and end just the same. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where I have to do this or risk falling off track and again becoming lost in the business of school, laundry, cleaning and mothering.

I gave myself a Tarot reading today regarding this endeavor. It was my very first time using the Celtic Cross spread and feeling confident enough to read it thoroughly. I am thrilled with the messages I received and I’m still stunned at how the cards pinpointed exactly what I have been going through recently and how I feel about this project. The outcome was very encouraging, although I would have continued writing this anyway. I don’t feel like I have a choice in the matter any longer.

Every day holds a new truth for me. Every day holds new realizations. Every day my belief system seems to be changing. I take comfort in knowing that it’s time and all is happening the way it is supposed to.

Me: *incoherent babble*
God: “Eh? What’s that you say, young whippersnapper?”
Me: “I said….TURN YOUR HEARING AID UP!”
God: “What? I can’t understand you when you mumble! Leave me alone, I’m watching American Idol.”

This is the image I’m getting when I hear talk of being very specific in *anything* related to spirituality. Do we really think God/dess, Spirit, Big Ball O Energy doesn’t know us, can’t feel every fiber of our soul floating around the universe?

An interesting article was posted to one of my Yahoo groups today. It was all about manifestation. Manifestation is to Paganism as Big Mac is to McDonald’s. Bet you’ll never see that one on a Mensa test. Point is, manifestation is *THE* big idea to those in the outer bands of spirituality. The Big Kahuna and the Whole Chimichanga. The Key To All You Wish To Know. You master manifestation and your life is a one way ticket down Easy Street. But what about all of the nooks and crannies? Ah yes….it’s never so easy, is it?

Some people will be very quick to tell you that Spirit knows all. Spirit knows what you want and all you have to do is ask for it. Spirit knows your heart and your ‘evil’ deeds will not go unpunished thanks to Spirit’s right hand man, Karma. Spirit knows you so well that you could never perform an act of revenge magick perfectly because it would never come into your sacred circle knowing your black heart and that your intentions were not pure. Spirit knows you, good and bad and there is no fooling.

According to some, manifestation is an art form. You can’t just say, “Hey Universe! Yeah, you! I want money!” Oh Heavens no, that would be bad. Your Great Aunt Mildred who practically raised you could die suddenly and leave you her secret stash of Lotto winnings from the past 20 or so years. But what do you sacrifice? A loved one. Or how about this one….your child could be riding his/her bike down the street when a drunk driver crashes into them head on, turning them to a vegetable but allowing you to win a multi million dollar lawsuit because the driver was the son/daughter of a very wealthy doctor. What have you sacrificed? But you wanted money and that’s what you got.

When manifesting, don’t ask to be free from fear because all the Universe hears is “Fear, fear, fear….” and that’s what you will bring into your life. You must concentrate on what you want to bring in, not what you want to be rid of.

Hmm. Is it me or does this just not make any kind of sense? One minute Spirit/God/dess/Universe knows everything about you and the next minute you must be so clear not to leave an open door when asking for some help so that they may not (maliciously?) see something as an opportunity to give you what you want, although it would really cause you pain.

And how does this work in conjunction with the destiny/fate of the other person? Did Great Aunt Mildred have to die because you needed money or was it her time to go anyway and you just happened to benefit from her death?

It’s also been said that if it is not for you to have money at this time, nothing will come of your request.

Spirit, God/dess is supposed to know what is best for you, if you would only pay attention to the signs. Is the need for manifestation the result of ignoring these signs? If we paid attention to said signs would there be need to manifest anything at all? Is the Universe such disorganized chaos that one request from little ‘ole me would upset the Grand Scheme?

So many questions, so little time!

I think Life is kind of like those staircases at Hogwarts. You start on your path, planning to get to your destination by staying on this path, when all of a sudden something happens and you must make a choice. Is praying for the staircase going to bring it back? Probably not, since the staircase has it’s own path to follow. We are merely piggybacking at this particular point in time. Our paths converged for an instant, each benefiting from the circumstance, now we must find a new way to our ultimate destinations.