Archive for the Category »A Day In The Life «
Here in this little town in Wisconsin the weather has been almost unbearably hot. We had two days in a row with heat advisories and the days would have been well spent at the beach. Unfortunately, I’m not a lake kinda gal. There’s just something about stagnant water with green things floating on top that just doesn’t give me the welcome mat. Maybe I have been spoiled by the ocean, with the beautiful waves crashing on the shore and the constant renewal.
I suppose I’m just a little weird when it comes to the ocean as well. While living in California I loved going to the beach and swimming in the ocean. But when we lived in Hawaii, the only time I felt comfortable in the water was when we would go snorkeling at Hanauma Bay. This picture isn’t of Hanauma Bay but gives an idea of the beauty of the area.
To beat the heat I’ve made up a couple of yummies that I would like to share. The first one is a Strawberry Lemonade recipe that I found on the ‘net. The only changes I made were omitting the sugar because I used a tub of sweetened, sliced strawberries that I got for way cheap awhile ago. I like my lemonade quite tart and this was delicious.
The other yummy was homemade ice cream sandwiches. This one is really easy and flexible.
I found the recipe awhile ago, not sure where, and it called for refrigerated cookie dough. Since I make my own instead, I decided to use that. In either case, you want a fairly soft cookie. I made them double sized, put a couple of scoops of vanilla fudge swirl ice cream in between and froze them for about 20 minutes. They turned out really well but next time I will make the cookies a tad smaller because it’s just entirely too much to finish in one sitting!
Over the next few days I will be doing some housecleaning on the site. Hopefully the end product will fit my current needs a little better and allow for easier readability. Bear with me because it will probably take a while.
Way back in the day, we had a very different life than we experience today. We had our first son before we were married and did the best we could for our age. I had quit school at 16, had our son at 18 and we were both working menial jobs where we could barely get by even with government assistance. We eventually split and it was messy. After 2.5 years, my moving back to my parents and his joining the Navy, we decided to marry. It was a very non-romantic decision and was accomplished at the local courthouse within two weeks. About a month after that I quit my job, packed up and moved across the country to Washington state where he was stationed.
He was previously living on the boat and had no vehicle. Our arriving meant living in an apartment and he would use my car to go to work. I went from my life in Michigan with family and the freedom of my own life to no life at all. He went from having his own life to having a family to take care of. It was difficult for both of us, but the only thing that saved our marriage was that we *had* to work it out. There was no one to run to, no one to intervene and no way to give up. We had no money, very few household skills and lived on Hamburger Helper. Seriously. And when I say it was difficult, I mean it was violently rough.
Eventually, he went to schools and we moved to other duty stations. He was gone a lot and we eventually settled into very traditional roles of bread winner and home maker. The management of the household became easier, we had a lot of fun and things were pretty smooth, with the exception of personal issues with each other, namely alcohol. After awhile things evened out and we only had issues once in a blue moon like everyone else. Things were going well. Too well.
Somewhere along the way, we moved into a more modern way of living. We enjoyed a lively social life but I started thinking about me. You know the whole what-about-me-I’m-just-a-mom-with-no-contributions-to-the-world type of thing. I started to feel like what I did didn’t really matter and needed to be more useful and ‘make my mark.’ We now had two children, 8 years apart, but things were going well. To feel fulfilled, I started volunteering. Well, due to circumstances beyond my control, I not only volunteered in an organization but the opportunity came to be in charge of the whole event. Me, in charge! Making a difference! Wow! I can do this! I did it, and I did a decent job and came into contact with a lot of amazing people and made some wonderful friends. In the process, the home suffered. Let me be clear about something here. When I take on a project that I believe in with my whole heart and soul, it becomes my life, which exactly what cannot happen when you are in charge of bringing up the next generation of responsible adults. I began asking for more help in my normal duties because I had so much else to do outside the home. I certainly didn’t manage things well and it caused the tide to turn in my marriage. Things began evolving into something that has culminated in the degeneration of our family life and values. Lots of stuff has happened in between then and now but ultimately, it hasn’t ended well.
It has been 12.5 years since my husband and I have married and I am finally coming to the realization that I have put unrealistic expectations on my husband. Divorce has become a very real prospect and, even though I knew where we were headed, I had to take the time to examine if that was where I wanted to be. I had to move away from analyzing and trying to find the root of the problem because we both think and process information and events differently. We will see a red apple on the table and I will swear it was green while he will believe it to be yellow. What was missing? What worked in the past and what definitely didn’t? I am SO not up for marriage counseling but it would take a much longer post to try and explain why, never mind the fact that if my husband gets this new job he will be gone quite a lot and unable to keep any kind of routine.
I’ve finally realized that we have to go back to the way things were, keeping in mind the type of people we are, the lessons learned already and what works in our new environment. I control, that’s what I do. I make the decisions quickly and efficiently, figure the pros and cons and make sure everything gets done in the best possible way. He does. Because of his upbringing, the Navy, don’t care what it is. He thrives in situations where everything is cut and dry and he knows exactly what to do and doesn’t have to figure anything out unless it’s in his ‘zone.’
I need to manage the money, schedule the day, plan and cook the meals, clean and organize the house, and in general be the number one household manager. He needs to support us financially, fix what I ask him to, move anything heavy, help unload the car of groceries, teach our children to be responsible men, pick up after himself and maintain the vehicles. I’m summarizing, of course.
This is what worked for us before. The household runs more efficiently, I feel fulfilled knowing that I am taking care of my family, he can trust that things are fine at home and can concentrate on our children and thriving at work. When he feels like he needs to be consulted in every decision, things fall apart. When I expect behavior and emotion that he cannot deliver, I fall apart and become angry and resentful. We both need to concentrate on our division of duties and leave each others areas alone and trust they can handle it in a way that is best for our family. We still have the same goals and values, we just need to compliment each other instead of working together. No, 50-50 doesn’t work for us. We each have our strengths and need to have the freedom to contribute to our family in the most effective manner, the one that works for us.
I have explained my side of the situation and he has agreed to this. By keeping our specialties our own, we will ultimately be working together. On my quest for a more organized home and life, I have discovered that I need more efficient practices in four main areas to make sure all is taken care of. These areas are budgeting, scheduling, meals and cleaning. Budgeting is going to be the most tricky, given that we are a one income family living in a society where two-income families are the norm. I am determined to budget what little money we have to make it go the farthest while leaving no one feeling neglected. Scheduling is going to be my next hardest issue. Really, the majority of my scheduling will be managing myself because I am no longer homeschooling and the kids are at school and the hubby is either sleeping for the night shift or working the day shift. Too much alone time allows me to flake and things do not get done. Meals goes along with budgeting and scheduling because I get lazy and buy insta-meals that the others can whip up for themselves. I would very much like to get back to family dinners. Finally, cleaning. OMG, there has got to be a better way! I will also be revamping the blog here to take advantage of everything the new upgrade allows. And I think that after 3 or 4 years, it’s due for a face lift.
Along this journey i will definitely share all of the nifty ideas that I find and/or come up with to hopefully help make your life easier as well. A quick perusal on the ‘net has shown me that there are a lot of great ideas for making your home more efficient. My intention is to tackle one area per week, maybe two if it’s difficult and update often, mainly because it helps to keep my own ideas straight if I have to explain them to someone else. Beginning today, I will start the big bad budget. We have animals, kids and debt so I will definitely be covering the spectrum! We shall see how it goes so wish us luck!
…would smell better but would NOT be near as cool! Covet with me.
On a lighter note, I received a compliment today and it made me think about some things I’ve started using. I have spent years…I mean years…trying to find a skin care routine, a combination of products that would allow my skin to shine. It’s been difficult because I have extreme combination skin. The oily areas are really oily and the dry areas are really dehydrated. Also, even though I am in my 30s, I still have a problem with acne. Acne medicated soaps would inflame, toners would excessively dry and moisturizers would cause breakouts overnight. Makeup was also a nightmare due to the underlying issues.
Now I am not swimming in money by any stretch of the imagination, so I have finally found a combination of drugstore products that are actually decent and have provided me with extraordinary results in a short amount of time. I feel kinda silly posting this much about it, but I hope it might help someone who is in the same skin-tuation. Ha.
I start off by using Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash Daily Scrub.
I use this because it gently scrubs away the dry skin but also treats the oily skin. And it’s gentle enough to use every day. After that I move on to the toner. I use Oil of Olay Refreshing Toner because it is clean enough to temper any inflammation caused by the acne medication and also close the pores before continuing. Now, I know that the toner also clears any remaining medication from the scrub, but either product alone doesn’t do the job that they do together.
Next, I do take the extra time to moisturize. Since I have oily skin and most days do not wear makeup, it is not a good idea to put any facial sunscreen on. So I use Oil of Olay Complete All Day Moisture Cream with SPF 15 for Combination/Oily Skin to sneak in the sunscreen. I also have a soft spot for Oil of Olay products. I remember my mother using the old beauty fluid in the big pink bottle and the smell brings back those cozy memories. I use enough to put a thin layer over my face, with just a tad bit extra that I rub into my hands when I’m all finished.
If I am going to apply makeup, I highly recommend a couple of products. One, the foundation I have started using is Maybelline Dream Finish Liquid Mousse. It is very light, provides good coverage and glides over the skin. It really does sit on top of the skin and reduces the visibility of pores. Airbrushing it’s not, but it is a great base. Two, I am a huge fan of Neutrogena Weightless Volume Mascara. It separates the lashes, does not clump and once lasted through a whole day of sobbing. Truly, it is awesome.
The routine is the same in the evening, minus the makeup of course, and drinking more water during the day helps a lot to detoxify the skin. I am no beauty maven, but it works for me.
Miss Louisa is finally finished! I really am a slooow knitter. Pisses me off sometimes but what can ya do? Knitting is not the project of choice for instant gratification. Take a look!
 |
| From Knitting & Spinning |
Isn’t she just darling! This is by far my most favorite piece and pattern, although next time I will do a couple of things differently. Oh yes, there will be a next time. I’m thinking a pinky, light variegated version with the sleeves a tad bit longer and a bit more dramatic shaping in the waist.
Taking a more disturbing angle, I would like for you to meet the crafty minx who introduced me to Ravelry. This lady shares my (much underappreciated) sense of cool which is always nice to come across. I’ve been stalking her blog since 2005 and have seen many nifty projects there. So what is the disturbing, creepy part you may be asking? She doesn’t know I’ve been compulsively checking in with her every week for the last 4 odd years and I have never commented on anything. Yeah. Think it may be time to out myself?
Moving day approacheth! I must have been in one place for entirely too long to forget how busy life gets when you’re making a big move. And it doesn’t stop for awhile, either. Today is pretty hectic what with packing our travel bags, taking things off walls, wrapping up cords, making sure every sock, dish and toaster is clean for the packers tomorrow morning. Then the weekend will be spent cleaning the house then we’re outta here!
I struggled for a long time with wanting to stay but needing something new. The military does not teach you how to stay in one place for very long so you get the itch after awhile. But this place is what we know and where we have been for an eternity, in military years. Yet time passes and before you know it another life choice has to be made.
I believe this move will be good for us. We know people where we will be so we all have friends already. It’s a hop, skip and a jump from my dad and nephews and there will be snow. After more than a decade in the land of sunshine, I’m ready.
This will be my last post until after the move as we are losing Internet access today. May have it intermittently if I can piggyback on someone’s unsecure line but that’s not a definite and tends to be sporadic anyway. We’ll see.
Next time you hear from me I’ll be in Wisconsin. Go me!
“The individual is not the sum of his common impressions but of his unusual ones. Thus familiar mysteries are created in us which are expressed in rare symbols. It is near water and its flowers that I have best understood that reverie is an ever-emanating universe, a fragrant breath that issues from things through the dreamer.”
~Gaston Bachelard, Water and Dreams
It was this quote that has brought me here to discuss what can only be referred to as a perversion of the Arts. Art, as I understand it, is highly subjective. It is reminiscent of the old adage ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.’ There are as many opinions as to what constitutes ‘Art’ as there are people alive in the world and they are all correct in their understanding. Classically speaking, art consisted of painting, sculpting, poetry and song, among a few other minor trades. I’ve gotten pretty good at drawing, all manners of sewing including needlepoint and knitting, prose and painting, although I would not consider myself an artist at any of them. Yes, I can hold my own against every other person who has a passing interest in these things but an artist? Not so much. That said, I will not be speaking of these things because I do not have the working knowledge to do so. I do, however, have more than a smidge of talent in the art of scent and so it happens that this is where I will be focusing my argument.
I once read of an experiment in which two perfumers were given the task of creating an essence around a single scent. Now keep in mind one of these was a professional, commercial perfumer working in a big ‘house’ in the perfume industry. The other was not a casual perfumer in the least, but not employed in the same line of work and they are not central to the point here anyway. The single essence is not what is to note here but the process. The commercial perfumer took a bit of time thinking and considering the single scent with which to center his universe. He then proceeded to ‘compute’ his perfume in his head. 5ml of this….3ml of that….6ml of the other…and whatnot. This formula no doubt recalled charts, diagrams and classifications whereupon he remembered what essences typically married well with others and being careful to include 4 base chords, 4 middle chords and 4 top chords, possibly a little more or less. Now remember, this man is a professional and probably makes more money in a year than you or I will see in a lifetime.
Bringing this perspective into another area, we have the commercialization of religion and its accoutrements. I am fortunate enough to personally know more than 5 people who are running their own establishments. These range from a bookstore to a tattoo parlor to…well, the others are mostly Pagan oriented shops. While each owner has their own distinct personality, the bookstore is the same as all of the others, the tattoo parlor (with the exception of quality of service) is the same as the others, the Pagan oriented shops are the same as all of the others. Every person who comes across a little bit of money wants to open their own shop for whatever reason. Why are they all the same? Because they have all conformed to what they think the general public wants without any thought to what they, as individuals, want. Or maybe they do so with full knowledge and money is the leading cause. Whatever the case may be, what is missing is the Art.
I have heard from many different people that my essence blends are more effective in ritual and magick than others that are made and sold in the various shops in this area, and beyond. And they are, I should know because I have fully tested and compared each one to my limits before they are marketed and sold. Sometimes I will go on a binge of sorts and create two or three blends in a week and sometimes I will not create for months. Even during my highly creative moments, there is always a process by which additions are made or proportions adjusted after the initial creation.
In order to create, I have to set the mood. Many times this involves changes in music and lighting, other times I am inspired by reading poetry or a highly descriptive work. Other times inspiration comes from a movie or an argument with my husband. Still other, the mood is already in place when I wake in the morning, having spent some time in lucid dreaming. I have even woken up in the middle of the night with a memory or feeling that I absolutely must begin to capture in scent before I can retire once again.
Once the mood is set and I have a particular feeling ready to be evoked, I turn to my oils and slowly begin to remember each scent, one by one. I tend to think of essences in terms of personalities. Some are gentle and silently coax you to leave everything behind you and run away with the wind. Others are immediately beautiful but fade with no depth or lasting impression. There are a few that are high and bright, where you can’t help but giggle with their cheerfulness. Others still must be seduced into submission. Then there are those who must be encouraged to shine amidst other, more recognizable essences, where one precious drop stands between perfection and destruction of the relationship so carefully nurtured. There are scents that are beautiful on their own, such as tuberose, musk and patchouli. Each must be allowed to shine in their own place, in their own time.
At the risk of sounding like a snob, you are not creating anything special or mystical when you mix 4 oils together and appreciate the resulting scent. Just as our emotions are complex, so are the essences inspired by them. My simplest blend contains 9 different scents. My most complex, no less than 15. This is why no one can duplicate my blends and why they smell like nothing else. Smell one, the most practiced nose will not be able to discern the ingredients.
It seems like everyone has decided to become all knowing. Why fully learn an art when you can learn just enough to get by and make some cash? Learn the first five minutes and then move on to the next and call yourself a master. How many mediums do you know who cannot also read Tarot? And how many Tarot readers do you know who do not also offer Reiki? How many Reiki ‘Masters’ do you know who do not also offer spiritual counseling or Life Coaching? Classic cases of Jack of all trades, master of none.
You know the old saying, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining”? Well, don’t rip of the head of a doll, stuff roses down it’s neck and call it a ‘vahz.’
I’m just getting home from taking my youngest to his first day of kindergarten. I enrolled him yesterday and today came way too fast. The office staff seems to be overworked, at least that’s what I’m attributing their attitudes to. It took everything I had to make myself realize that we would not be dealing with the office as much as with the teacher so they really don’t count. I can do this.
It was simply precious to see him this morning all excited to go to school. He got up promptly, ate his breakfast, brushed his teeth and got dressed all with a smile on his face. Then came the incessant, ‘Is it time yet?’ Luckily I timed everything to where we would have a minimal amount of that! There was a little bit of confusion in finding his classroom but nothing major and his teacher seems to be an angel. She was very welcoming, soft spoken but had a bit of fire to keep control of all of the kids. For some reason, I believe we are lucky to have her and I don’t even know her yet.
He kept a smile on his face the whole time and was eager for the experience. He had no problems with me leaving him and letting him get to know his new family.
I couldn’t help but tear up as I walked away from him, leaving him to his own devices.
Yes, I’ve done this before. It was 8 years ago and this time feels like new. In a way, that’s a good thing because I have that first-child-first-day-of-school feeling but without the control issues and obsessiveness. At least, so far.
It is a bittersweet day for me but one that will help to make me a better mom, I know that. And it’s not like I don’t have anything to keep me busy!
I’ve been conditioning myself lately to really find a lesson in everything. Not a finger-wagging-you-idiot lesson, but a simple what-can-I-learn-from-this-situation lesson. One of the things we’re going over is something I always taught it my classes and study groups. A witch is only good as his/her word. If you do not tell the complete truth, how can the words of any spell be true? How can you have faith in your words if they are consistently wrong? I don’t feel that intention matters here, it’s a matter of being aware of what you say and think.
This is something that I need to constantly be aware of now. Not that anything has really changed except my desire to be more aware. It’s been difficult but I’m getting better every hour. It’s something that is really simple, but not so easy. How can I say that I will do something in 3 days when something may come up where I cannot? Technically, that’s not being truthful even though I have that intention.
For instance, I said this morning that I was going to make a batch of soap today. Well, after all of the errands I am just too tired and need to take some time for myself. Turns out that I am most definitely not going to make a batch of soap today. Rather than being angry at myself for being untruthful, what can I learn from this? How could I have changed my words to make them truthful? I should have said that I want to make the time for it today. That is the truth. I certainly did want to make the time but my body has given me clues that I need to be off of my feet and resting.
My next question is how to reconcile this truth telling with the intention that comes in magick. I know there’s a marriage there and it’s on the tip of my tongue, I just can’t seem to articulate it at this time. For me, I’m sure that means that I need to gain a greater understanding so that I may have the words to fully express the concept. I will get there.
And that is the truth!
A typical Wal Mart WTF…
So, I have a slight case of tendonitis. It was recommended that I get this band to wrap around my arm to wear during the day for a couple of weeks. Hence the trip to the local Wal Mart. Go in, grab box of said apparatus, pay, head home. Had tons to do so I made it there and back in less than 15 minutes. I get home and open the box only to find that the band is gone and the only thing in there is the tag. Crap. Fast forward to 6pm and another trip to Wal Mart.
I go up to the customer service counter, explain what happened, and get sent on a trip to pick up another one to exchange. When I came back I had the pleasure of being taken care of by a completely new incompetent worker. And this is how it goes:
Me: I’m exchanging that band for this new one. (point to counter where old box is out in the open.)
Idiocy Specialist: You need to go get a new one and then we’ll do the exchange.
Me: Umm…I already did that. (Holds up new box even higher.)
Idiocy Specialist: Oh, okay. What’s wrong with the old one?
Me: Nothing, except the box was empty.
Idiocy Specialist: (Picks up box and shakes.) And you couldn’t tell the box was empty?
Me: I didn’t spend a whole lot of time comparing the weight of all of the boxes checking to see if they were empty, so no, I guess I couldn’t.
Idiocy Specialist: (Shakes box again.) Oh yeah, you can tell there’s nothing in it.
Me: You know, you’re right. I stole the original one and now I need another one. I’ve been scheming all morning trying to figure out a way to waste my day getting a $9 arm band for free.
Idiocy Specialist: You know, (snotty attitude and all) I could refuse to sell to you because you said that.
Me: Could you please? That would be a 250 pound load of dumb ass off my shoulders and make the rest of my day a real good one.
Idiocy Specialist: (yells for supervisor)
Tonight we had our final Wicca 101 class, the ritual. It was completely written and centered by the students in the class. I am sad that it’s over. I am happy that it’s over. 10 weeks is a long time to do something like this where you have a continuing relationship, but not a long term committment such as a coven. I’ve seen almost every person grow and gain confidence and figure out exactly what it is that they believe and wish to practice. They have stuck with some traditional ways and adopted some of my beliefs as their own. In the end, they are all comfortable with doing what is right for them and not continuing a practice ‘just because.’ A few have learned to actually think about what they are doing and why, instead of just going through the motions because that’s what they have read in some book. Only two have developed the self discipline to take Wicca beyond it’s fluffy surface to the nitty gritty that’s beyond RavenWolf or Cunningham. I am very proud to have touched them and helped them to peel away the layers to get to the good stuff.
I feel that I have learned more from them than they ever could have learned from me and I am thankful to each of them. Yes, even the ones who tested my patience and understanding because they have made me a better teacher and person.
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do this and am hopeful that it will come around again. 
Tonight I went to another new moon ritual with a local group. The new moons are reserved for the women who participate and I find that I am drawn to this, more than the full moon where everyone is welcome. I never thought I would be, but here I am.
We made a little jingly jangly thing where we would string a bell for each thing we are thankful for and feel blessed by. I didn’t think about it until after, when everyone shared the things they were thankful for, that mine all involved other people and nothing for myself.
I am thankful that there is a group like this to work with, I am thankful for my husband, my kids, having a ‘job’ doing something I love and making money at it, the opportunity to teach others, my dad, my in laws, etc.
Not one bell was strung for myself. It wasn’t conscious and I don’t feel that I am not thankful for myself and blah blah blah. I mean, I love me. Really. But the $100,000 question is why are others always in the forefront of my mind with myself as an afterthought? Hmm… No answers necessary, simply rhetorical.
I have heard from some people that our lives are speeding up. We are spiraling towards an inevitable colision with reality and we just aren’t realizing that we are the ones filling up the tank, fueling our destruction.
I realize this, yet I am doing the same.
It is such a rush (no pun intended) to know that I am on my path and doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am a sponge now that I know where my talents lie and I am soaking in all of the knowledge that I can.
A week of classes towards certification starts on Monday. I will be attending 5 classes a day for almost a week, in addition to the class I’ve just started on Wednesday evenings and keeping the class I am teaching, although it is almost over. 
I am feeling happy, stimulated and fulfilled.
My children, however, are not. My youngest came up to me and held onto my legs and said, “I’m so glad you’re home, Mommy.”
I’ve already paid for my classes next week so I feel obligated to attend. I can’t just throw away $175. I do have some ideas for changes immediately after. I am ending my volunteer work with PPD, for various reasons, and will ‘officially’ put in my notice tomorrow to take effect after this year’s event. I will attend classes next week but after that I am putting myself under restriction. I will not be obligating myself to things that are more than I can handle, and I have laid down on paper what I am willing to take on and how much time I can allot for various endeavors.
School will be starting soon and my oldest will be attending classes two days per week. On those days I will not schedule anything because I want to use that time to play with my baby, apart from his brother. The days that my oldest has classes, I am reserving the nights for family. These days will be over before I know it and I feel like their lives are just passing my by.
Yeah, change is needed. So change is what will happen.
So here I am, finally, with a wee bit of free time on my hands. The aunt is down in Texas with her other daughter so I no longer have that daily committment to her care. I would feel bad about feeling good except I know that I did everything I could do to help during the last couple of months. I was there when I was needed and now my job is finished. I am sad about knowing I will never see her again, but we did a lot of visiting and talking and I am confident that there are no ‘I wish I would have said/done xxx.’
The Wicca class is still fun and exciting. I’m constantly looking for new things to share with them and anticipate every class. I do wish that I had the means to share all of this information with everyone who wanted to learn, without finances prohibiting them. But payment has it’s advantages, too. Not just to me personally, but to the students who make the committment to attend every week and continually learn and grow. I know that I would definitely like to teach more in the future. But we’ll see. One thing at a time.
Tumor is gone but not forgotten, appointment made to have my car repaired and the fake nails have come off to reveal lovely real nails that I have managed to keep out of my mouth. For the time being. One thing at a time.
Spring cleaning has begun, although a little late. I feel a sense of accomplishment lately, with my head clear once again. Now is the time to reflect that clarity in my surroundings. Out with the old, make better use of our space and start making the back yard actually look like a back yard. One thing at a time.
The only thing I am not looking forward to is answering my emails. I’ve neglected them the last couple of weeks because I gave priority to other, more pressing matters. Now I have almost 4000 emails from my national Yahoo groups, close to 500 for the local groups and a little over 1400 personal emails directly in my inbox. /sigh I’ll do 10 or 20 at a time and then take a break to do something else because it’s just so darn overwhelming. But I will get through them. I always do. One thing at a time.
I need to change my sleeping schedule because I feel like sleep is just getting in the way of productivity. Yeah, sounds silly but it’s true. I really don’t need 10 hours of sleep, I just end up feeling lazy the next morning. I think I’ll start experimenting with an hour less. Or just setting my alarm to get up earlier. And I gotta get off of these silly sleeping pills. One thing at a time.
Still so much to do but I’m prioritizing and things are coming along without too many headaches. Blogging is a priority now that I have more time. My posting has really declined in frequency and quality. Hoping to remedy that. One thing at a time.
All in all, life is still good.
Finally! The little alien growth has been removed from my body. I’m gonna miss the little guy. Not really, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
Friday afternoon I finally had my little surgery to remove that annoying little tumor from my side. I refused the anesthesia or sedation option, opting for the local so that I could continue to be my normal, bitchy self afterwards. We also celebrated my youngest’s birthday afterwards so I wanted to be able to enjoy it and not have things spoiled. The local wasn’t bad, just your typical lidocaine, but it made me just about faint and/or puke. You know how you feel just before you faint? When all of the color drains from your face and you feel hot and cold, sweating and dizzy? Yup. I could feel myself drifting a bit so I tried to make some semblance of conversation to stay somewhat alert and in the moment. The whole procedure took about 15 minutes or so, with the worst being the first shot.
Luckily, it was diagnosed as a lipoma. Nothing major. So I am really sore right now but healthy and all is well.
Oh yeah. The doc let me keep it.
Me: *Gee. I’m hungry. I think I’ll stop into Wendy’s and get some grub.*
*walks through the door and gets into line behind a well dressed man, fidgeting because the order taker lady is taking too long*
Him: “Wow! You have a lot of tattoos!”
Me: “Well, not really. I just have a couple.”
Him: “Isn’t it interesting that they can use all of the colors in existance?!?”
Me: “I never thought about that but I guess it is interesting.”
Him: “You know, I always wanted to get a tattoo of a rainbow just so I could have all of the colors.”
Me: “Yeah, I suppose that would be nice.”
Me: *why is that lady taking so damned long?*
Him: “Yeah. It’s too bad, though.”
Me: “Too bad about what?”
Me: *immediately regretting continuing the conversation*
Him: “Well, you know. You can’t exactly get a tattoo of a rainbow without people thinking you’re gay.”
He Continues: “I wouldn’t want people to assume I’m gay or anything but I still think the rainbow is pretty cool.”
Me: “You know, sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow.”
Him: “Well, how would you like it?”
Me: *fight the urge!*
Him: “I mean, you’re obviously married because you’re wearing a wedding ring.”
Me: *doing fine, almost over!*
Him: “How would you like it if people assumed you were gay?”
Me: *can’t….must…..resistance is futile!*
Me: Well, my wife does a pretty good job of convincing people that I’m gay and neither one of us has a rainbow tattoo.”
Him: *jaw drops, walks away, completely out of the store without ordering*
Cashier: *snickering* “Can I take your order?”
Wow! What a wonderful rush it is to share knowledge with people who are open to receiving it. This is such a wonderful opportunity and a very exciting one.
For those who don’t yet know, I am teaching a class called Wicca 101. Not very fond of the name but it’s very common here to find classes with that title. It sounds really….fluffy, I guess is the word I’m struggling to find. But if I were left to my own devices to name the class, it would probably sound so serious and intellectual that no one would take the class because the name was intimidating. So here we are with Wicca 101. But I’m nitpicking, as usual, so…moving on!
The people taking the class remind me of me. Go figure. They are sponges and I can see their wheels turning with every statement I make. I have to be very careful to impress upon them not to get caught up with anyone’s dogma, mine included. Everything I teach is a guideline, not law. It is simply ‘The Word of Me.’ Nothing more. I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to help them see my point of view, but others as well. Be a leader, a pioneer! Forge your own path! Trial by fire! Learning, for me, happens best when I am completely submerged in the theory and practice. For example….
One thing I am always looking out for is my own ego. My ultimate goal by the time I am dead in the ground is to be completely free of ego. I know what you’re thinking….gee, is that all? LOL One of the exercises I wanted to do was to completely engross myself in a way of life that would allow me to experience the loss of ego, at least for awhile. The exercise? I want to shave my head. Yup. Completely baby ass bald. For me, that would be a spiritual experience that I am willing to explore. I do, however, realize that this decision would inadvertantly effect my husband and my kids. From that perspective, how can I ask them to be part of something they aren’t willing to deal with for my own spiritual growth? By forcing them to deal with the implications….isn’t that ego? I think that it is. So here I am, still with a head full of hair.
Anyway, I realize that not everyone will learn the way I do. I realize that there is going to be at least one person in the class who, when talking with others about the class, will say, “But the teacher says this…!” I hope not but if it happens, I hope it’s just to illustrate another point of view.
I’m learning each student, not by their names or the way they look but by their energy. They all have different colors and they all are learning at their own pace. I can see that I am going to fast for a couple, too slow for a couple of others. But for most, I seem to be right in the middle and I am comfortable with that. I wish I had more time with them! I wish I could just continue teaching this class indefinitely, covering everything in depth, holding their hands when necessary and pushing them out of the tree at other times. Some feel that they will never be able to know what I ‘know.’ They don’t realize what a hard and long road I chose to learn the things I have learned. But they will. And they will learn what they need to learn in their own time.
I am revising my course of study, yet again. Some things have become a priority and others are sinking into the background, to simply be handed out and read at their leisure. Their eyes lit up when I gave them homework last night. They were so excited! That tells me I need more interaction. They need to ‘do’ and I need to provide that guidance.
I don’t think they realize that I am still learning. From them. They keep saying that I have so much knowledge and I want to scream at them, saying NO! I only know the tiniest part of what is out there. But what I do know, I willingly share and hopefuly in the end they will see that I will have grown. That is their most valuable payment for this class, facilitating my own growth as a woman, a human, a teacher, a spiritual being and a student.
So tomorrow is the big day. Er….the big weekend. I’ve been looking forward to this for days and days! I have been racking my brain on all of the ways to make it just perfect. There are so many things to think about such as making a comfortable and inviting environment along with having the necessary little items. You know, nothing was coming to me. I had so many things that I wanted to do and a certain way I wanted things to look and feel but everything I saw just wasn’t…..it. And I couldn’t figure out why I’ve had a certain song in my head but today I seemed to ‘get’ it. The song was The Bare Necessities. So now I have the bare necessities and I feel calm, cool and collected.
My aunt was admitted to the hospital today. She has a blood clot in her left leg. The only saving grace is that it’s DVT, ,or deep vein thrombosis, so there is no danger of amputation. There is, however, the danger of it travelling to her lungs and that is what we’re worrying about at the moment. I had a deep feeling of dread when she was wheeled off to the ambulance. I don’t like knowing about someone’s death so I immediately block anything that I feel is related. Not sure if this is but I sure blocked it in a hurry, just in case. Ya know?
Anyhoo…off to bed. Big day tomorrow!