Samhain Introspection
I’ve spent the last hour checking up on some websites from back home. Ever since coming out here I have only been thinking of how to get back. What could I do to make it possible to go back home, if I was home, was couldn’t I do?? Oh, to have that feeling of comfort and community again. To feel like I belong, like I make a difference, like I have a purpose!
I’ve only recently come to the conclusion that home would not be home, at least not like I remembered it. I find myself saying, “…back in the day…” But truly, things would and could never be like I remember them even if I were to go back. We would have different jobs, a different neighborhood and, dare I say it, different friends. I have learned the hard lesson that ‘out of sight, out of mind’ really is the way things work in this life. I have sent emails, texts and voicemails to which I receive no reply.
This time of the year always makes me a little sad and introspective but being here, it is most definitely harder. Here the weather matches my thoughts and feeds them in ways that are unhealthy and very difficult to overcome. I miss my friends but the realist in me knows that I cannot lament over what has been lost, rather I must be content and savor what has endured.
I find myself thinking more of my history and the history of my family, wondering if I will ever have those things I value to pass on to my children. Wondering if it even matters, because my flavor of history and mementos most assuredly are not theirs. Will they cherish the things that matter most to me, if only because it mattered to *me*? Will I ever have an attic filled with old sentimental junk for them to explore when I pass? Will they care?
Life has moved me into uncharted territory once again but I’m on the verge of embracing the sadness for what it is and learning to move through it instead of stopping to raise my fist in defiance. I can only say goodbye and I love you to those I seem to have lost contact with and remember home with a smile. I accept that it’s time to move on and try to see the journey ahead of me as an adventure and not quite so lonely.
