Well, after a grueling day of responsibilities, homemaking, packing and getting my ducks in a row, I am now sitting at the DoubleTree Hotel in San Jose for this year’s PantheaCon. Classes started at 3:30 and it is now 4:50. Did I go to a class at 3:30? Yep. Did I walk out of it after 30 minutes? Yep. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting but that wasn’t it. It seems that everyone here is seeing friends around every corner. Catching up with people they haven’t seen since last year, putting final touches on dinner arrangements and generally bobbing about full of laughter, smiles and fun. I don’t seem to be having the same experience. There are two people I was really looking forward to seeing and catching up with but it’s not really working out. I haven’t caught up with one yet and the other has been dragged of every 30 seconds by someone to meet someone/see something/do something. I think I’ve just gotten back to being comfortable in the background, not feeling the need to make anything about me. We can catch up through email later on.

Sitting here right out in the open by the registration counter is really strange. I’ve really opened a Pandora’s Box with the classes I’m taking back home. I’m feeling everyone around me. Every tiny thing. It was really difficult riding up here with other people. Almost immediately I had to calm myself down before I went into overload. That was the very first time I meditated for 2 hours straight. It helped and that’s all that mattered. I’m really learning some valuable techniques for controlling these overwhelming emotions. It’s fairly difficult right now but if I can keep my eyes on my screen long enough to finish typing this, I should be okay and can get back up and around. Talk about being our of your comfort zone!

I’m not exactly sure what I expected this weekend but the problem is that I had expectations at all. I’m sure I’ll end up having a wonderful time but right now I feel lonely. Four million people around me and I still manage to feel lonely. Right this second I want to go home but I don’t have that luxury. Talk about childish. I feel like I would imagine a young one would feel at their first sleepover but I think it has a lot to do with taking on too many emotions from the people around me. Whatever, maybe I just need some sleep. I have been up since 12:30 last night so that probably has a lot to do with it, too. I dunno. I’m just wimpy, I guess.

Full report after I get home.